17.9

You enter my room
Woeful and lost
To say you’ll be back
In an hour,
But the look on your face
Says clearly to me
That you intend to remain
For more.
You begin to talk
Of nominees and banks
I know you’ve been harassed
By his calls;
You make small talk
About colleagues long gone
And your medicines
And errands of yore.
You tell me it’s hard
With no one for help
You tell me it’s tough
To cope,
To manage alone
To not rely
For in this new place
Ground and comfort lay afar.
I see the silent plea
In your rheumy eyes
I see you beg me
To get involved,
To hold you
As I would hold him
To care for, to love
To respect and to adore.
But don’t you see
I can’t do it
Not for you,
I can’t.
Despite knowing
How you need me
And how much it takes
To ask.
It’s too soon for me
The loss is still fresh
It hurts
And that never must show;
But why don’t you realize
Though I would never say it
His place
Will never be yours.
I’m struggling to cope
Though I hide it well
I’m trying so hard
To stay strong,
But every single time
I enter his room
Or see his silly netbook
The tears still fall

The Gods In The Himalayas Received Live Feed!

As a kid I had this firm belief that all we do throughout our lives is in accordance with a definite script. That every single person has a sharp, unconscious, built-in and regularly updated awareness of their role and that the very purpose of one’s existence was to act it all out to the satisfaction and amusement of immediate superiors. By ‘superiors’ I mean people with higher authority – in my world, that meant parents. And at every level, superiors decided the basic outline of the script their charges would enact.

The way I saw it, we were all theatre artists. And the ones who got to the big screen were the ones who made it big (with respect to others at the same level), which is why they were on the receiving end of all that fame and adulation, all that bhav. So just like we could go to Vishnudas Bhave Natyagraha and Prithvi Theatre to watch people enact certain stories, I figured our superiors were watching us too. Big Boss style, absolutely.


So you had the bachchas who were their parents’ puppets and so on until you exhausted living familial hierarchy; then came some mid level authority I never thought about; and at the very top of that controlling pyramid sat The Gods. Oh yeah, I was a believer back then, Dadi took care of that… I have fond memories of those times. No, don’t try it now.


Getting back to my story – which I believe you’re still somewhat interested in since you’re still reading :P – I used to visualize usually homogeneous pairs of Gods and Goddesses in stereotypical God/Goddess garb (flowing black hair (white for Brahma), loads of skin show, glitzy blingy ornaments, silky satiny rhinestone-studded clothes...) sitting on separate sofas that flanked a coffee table loaded with grub (they always always always had peanuts), laughing at the antics of us mortals as giant spools of real time recordings played on giant Videocon Bazooka screens. Laughing good naturedly, indulgently, never mockingly, but laughing nonetheless. Real time? Dunno how they did it man.. Even then, I could see how it was funny… I mean c’mon, you have all these humans falling over themselves to be promoted just some more, wanting to be in a position that allows them to decide the actions of so many others around them. By the time a global drama inclusive of all levels was actually put together, it was probably a holy comedy of errors. Pun, haha, pun.


I always wondered if tapes of the part I was enacting were important enough to be viewed by the Gods themselves or if they only reached the city-level authority for perfunctory checks and were then tossed aside. Never did quite manage to figure that out. Nor did I work out how the tapes reached the gods (Bluetooth ka baap?) or how scripts were communicated to us actors – we just knew what to do and went about doing what we had to, unaware of this twisted manipulation. Mind you, we experienced joy, frustration, ecstasy, sorrow, anger, embarrassment and just about every regular emotion you can think of while we were at it.


Doodlebug, a short film by Christopher Nolan and crew, was what brought this eerily vivid piece of imagination to the surface. Tried uploading but Mom's lappy doesn't seem to approve. Do look it up.


And just in case the idea of Hindu gods living on Indian land and ruling/governing/ manipulating/spying on the entire world offends you, my 5 yr old self apologizes. That was what I knew, okay? Apologies all the way from the bottom of my heart, all sincere.


PS – Please don’t start working out why my mind/imagination works the way it does/ the way it always has. You might be tempted to suggest I take up Management, seeing how I had pyramidal admin structures, checks and controls, authority and regulation all worked out at the age of 5. Don't. You might be tempted to probe tomes on Psychology and comment on my concept of the unconscious or reveal that it has to do with a repressed desire to control / act / manipulate / tell stories / eat peanuts. Speculate all you want, just don’t tell me. The way I bombed my Psychology end sem, I don’t think I’ll welcome anything connecting me and the subject for a long long time to come.

Spread The Word!

It's funny how moods work. Then again, it's supposed to be this huge hush-hush secret, how moods work. One semester of Psychology revealed that moods have no cause, no reason - emotions are the ones with some point, some reason, some logic behind them. Bloody blessed point. Oh, well. So next time someone asks you why you're so moody, feel free to directly quote Her Awesomeness (Yours truly) and indirectly, Vinay Prabhu, and brush em off. There, good deed for the day done.



Screw previous moods and conversations, I'm all happy right now! The giddy variety, yes =)



I actually typed up a list of songs ("in no particular order, off the top of my head" =P) that tend to make up for most things distasteful. Songs that do funny things to my mood; and I mean funny in a good way. Songs that I carry with me and plug into just about every time I can. You know, that token favourite-music blog post every blogger simply must put up. Well guess what, I don't think I can do that, atleast not right now. Just previewing the post made me feel so vulnerable. Felt like I was sharing something intimate, something that's mine and mine alone. So lets call it The List That Wasn't and leave it at that. Boo hoo indeed.

PS - By one semester of Psychology I meant 10 hours of absorbed reading, get that right.
PPS - I happen to know the most awesome people ever! Moment of realization and gratitude, if you must. Immediate family, some friends and uh-what-are-we?, I love you guys. Go on, spread the word. And if this post was too flaky/senti/mushy for you, bah, just be glad we don't have conversations at 2 AM =P

Gracie Lou, Who?

There are times you need to be in this gracious state of mind. Kind, polite, bloody considerate state of mind. All the times someone asks you to "be blunt" (because hey, he can take it, make no mistake of that!), all the times you're expected to tick off a 10yr old but do it all nice and mature (i.e. with patience and blood vessels intact), all the times you're asked to make that one last cup of tea (or hang washed clothes out to dry :| ) when you're running late, all the times a friend behaves like a jackass and what you really wanna do is slap HARD... All the times you click the Social Interview tab on Facebook, for fuck's sake!

And since I haven't been Shweta G. Sharma in quite a while, what you get for this visit to my blog is stuff that generally manages to cheer me up, pack rat that I am. Marginally, atleast :P It ups my sillyness levels for the next half hour or so, and since that's more than what Vodafone can do...

Thing is, I keep planning to upload them but then decide to wait for the next one to make a show. Ab bas! :P

Hope you smile, even if no one's watching =)

Cookie Monster! Awesomeness


"HNY" :P


Sesame Street, Year 40


Oscaaaar!


Series of postcards (Google's getting old) - here because they were there :P









When Bapu = Birthday Boy? :|


ELMO!


Count von Count. Oh you bloody fool, count!



Just her name picks me up! Boombah Chamki :D



Happy 'kite festival', where kite festival = holiday with gajak, popcorn and movies :D


PS - The G dissecting my name? Grace. Shweta Grace Sharma. See? Vodafone reference? The tagline 'Happy to help'. Yes, I suck. =)

Why I Miss Orkut.

CASE I

"woww....so sweeeet profile....oopss ur wondering that who is this?welll u dont know mee & aslo i,i just came & saw ur profile,mere maaan ne kaha ki tumeh ek msg karu baaaas meine kiya,isake alawa kuch nahi,i swear...i know this is bad manners for that i m heartlyy soorrryyy...anywasys telll mekaise ho?hows mummy papa & all?tumhe freee time to nahi milta hoga that i know,fir bhi agar time mile to ek msg jarur karna...reat all is fine here,chalo im have to go now,give my regards to mummmy papa,byeee shwetaaaaaaa.."

He is frendly (sic), reads fictions (sic), sections pertaining to movies and music consist of the ultimate, DDLJ. 'Very right-conservative' political views, prefers 'minimal fashion'. What he probably thought 'right' and 'minimal' mean on here is up for discussion. The sicness.

Ah man. Rest all is fine there, so reassuring. I'm off to give mummy papa the dude's regards.

CASE II

"HI !!!

TO YOU 

BY SAM"

To Sir, With Love. Need I say more?

CASE III

hi shweta, i m viral from vashi, i like u r profile and interested to know u further if u like my profile accept me and hope to see you sooner online or something... take care..

Ahha! What 'something' are we talking about, me love?

CASE IV

kehne ki ho dil main koi baath mujhse kaho koi pal ho din ho ya ho raath mujhse kaho koi mushkil koi pareshani aaye tumhe lage kuch teek halaath mujhse kaho koi ho tammanna ya ho koi aarzoo rehna kabhi na bekhraar MAIN HOOO NAAAAAAAAA ---- HIIII 2 EVERY LETS WISH SHAHRUKH A VERY HAPPY N PROPEROUS HAPPYY BIRTHDAY

Aise integrated community efforts aur kahaan?

CASE V

In response to a "Who the hell are you?" scrap, which was sent in response to a "make friendship with me gul" scrap, I get -

i m a boy studing in tenth staying in vashi anything else

C'mon now, you don't really need me to put in a concluding wall of text for this post... :D

Try A Mush Pack Today

• I've been writing poems late at night and hiding them from my family and friends because I was embarrassed. Today I showed some to my mom who was an english major and editor. I have never seen my mother cry because she was so proud of me. I am now going to college and majoring in English too. MLIG

• Today my 22 year old brother hugged me. He's autistic, that's the first time he's ever hugged me in all of my 14 years on earth. MLIG

• Tomorrow I leave for college. Tonight when I said goodnight and goodbye to my sisters, my eight year old sis handed me a letter that said: "Even though we have a lot of fights, I still love you." I will miss her (and all my family) so much. They make my life G.

• Today, I skipped going to my boyfriend's cottage with a bunch of people to go to my aunt's 50th birthday party. She cried because she was so happy I was there. It was so worth it. MLIG

• I am sitting in my very last class at an Ivy League University. Thanks to the miracle of financial aid, I will be the first member of my family to graduate from college. I did it! MyLifeIsG!!!!!!!!!

• Two years ago, I lost my entire left leg in a car accident. While I was in hospital I wrote a list of everything I thought an amputation would stop me doing. Today, I am over halfway through completing everything on that list. Tomorrow, I start surfing lessons. MLIG

• Today, I paid for a soldier's lunch, who just returned from Iraq. She said, "You didn't have to do that" and I said, "Neither did you." She started crying, and so did I. MLIG.

• Today is my 17th birthday. As I went to blow out the candles, I realized that I couldn't think of anything to wish for. I have everything I've ever wanted. I give my wish to you. MLIG

• Today was the day I was going to kill myself. My best friends knew about this and whilst I was heading to the bridge they all texted me; saying how much they loved me and if I jump, they jump. I did a u-turn and went to all their houses and watched tears stream down each of their faces in pure joy. They saved my life. I love them with all my heart. MLIG :]

I'm in a sappy mood, so excuse me if the mush was too much for you to bear. 

Chanced upon a site called www.mylifeisg.com  this afternoon. That's My Life Is Great. Read awhile. Conclusion? Even as FML was entertaining and makes for solid resounding laughs, it's MLIG that really made my day.

It's amazing how we can smile for another. Sad how we so often choose not to.

Not trying to be preachy, but hey, look up someone who's happy the next time you feel down! =)

What Did You Wish For?

Fresh after the 10th boards, I was looking to keep my choices open. Why Science? So I can switch streams later. Why biology? So that medicine is always an option. Why Swami’s? So I can switch to their Arts section in the 12th relatively easily, should the desire arise. Why the CET? That way engineering isn’t out. Why Symbiosis? So that BMM isn’t the only thing I can go in for. (And, if you want the truth, to find out just what the entrance test includes.)

But dude, what do you do when on the surface of it everything works out but the core of it is a jumble of randomly picked, conflicting molten metals? 

Be careful what you wish for, dear child, you may just get it.

Without going into much detail (your cue to laugh), I’ll have you know that I want to do that ostrichy, head-in-the-sand, you-can’t-see-me thing. Career confusion has gripped me, and indecision won’t leave me. But hey, it’ll all work out fine. Haha. Nonsense. I’m gonna get hysterical soon enough, I tell you… by the way, I’m awesome company (read- entertainment) when I’m hysterical. And that’s your cue to come tell me how I’m awesome company even otherwise :P

One thing – Symbiosis is out. I could use up an entire roll of toilet paper as notepaper, explaining the hows, the whys and the therefores, so let’s leave them questions alone. Know that I won’t land up in Pune after all. I have this theory that I’d love the ‘college life’ there, so to say. But having gathered a fractionally clearer picture of what I’d be doing once I’m outta there, it’s nopey nope for me. So here’s hoping I’ll learn to live with that decision and have no regrets later. And to apple-cinnamon pies topped with domes of vanilla ice cream. And to me mother. 

Getting things in place for the interview was memorable, to say the least. Which, me being me, won't happen.

The portfolio, bless it once and twice again, was completed sitting in the car, parked bang outside the campus walls, mere minutes before the interview was to begin. And to think I was asked if I joined classes to learn how to make and do up a portfolio. Yay to life in general! A 45 minute car ride from Kothrud to Viman Nagar was spent painting, pasting and repainting chunks of papier mache and strips of cardboard. An all nighter was managed with the help of SMSes and a cold floor, so I could prepare miniature paper mounts for the snaps I’ve taken over the years. Two gullible, unsuspecting friends were dragged to a fishing village, made to wait while I captured masalawallahs, chaatwallahs and then some fishy folks on film.

Good times, good times. Given a choice, I’d do it all over again. I think whatever SID prep work I’ve done will go down as real good fun, but fun that would eventually take me someplace I don’t think I want to be. 

I kinda feel like I’m betraying those paintings and photographs by using them as part of my portfolio, using them to convey my level of art and creativity to the panelists, using them to obtain the final go-ahead and then dropping the idea once it falls in place. It’s just not about whether or not they were deemed good enough by everyone who saw them… it’s simply that I enjoyed working on them, and just for that, they’re special to me. 

So here I am, all maudlin over some paint splattered on paper. Then again, it's paint I splattered. Samples from the portfolio beloved might just show up here.

So long. 

Shoot. I need to stop ending with that. It's like I'm attracting long deliberations and long speeches and long posts and.. long hair? Clearly, sleep is the need of the hour.

Stay well, folks.

Dear Lethargy, RIP.

Dear Lethargy,

We've been friends for close to two decades now. And what a friend! What decades! What a combination, darn it! My mind's tear glossed eyes see delayed replays of the times we walked hand in hand, strolling through the park and picking berries. Okay, so that was a lie. The berries never did quite make a show. You never even moved off your lazy behind, goddamn it! As for the tears... Still. The innocence. The heartfelt disregard for the rats that raced. Excuse me while I mop up this teary mess...

Remember the times when assorted deadlines flew by and all we wanted was to hear the "whoosh!" and see the back of them? When Monday came and Sunday went but everything, from bread to bath water remained unchanged? When the family got B grade movies for dinner because the other counters were too far away? When the bed first developed persistent depressions and consequent lumps?  When the birds overdid the mango tree routine because we chose to be generous? And lethargic, heehee. Sorry.

Some would call us 'chaddi buddies', some 'langotiya yaars' and some... okay, let's not go down that road.

The essence of it all is, you've been as faithful a companion as I could ever have wished for. Never have I felt the slightest trace of treachery or abandonment. You were loyal. You were there. True blue Liverpool style. True red, I mean.

But now... but now! But NOW!!

Okay guys, cut. So we just collectively discovered I can't handle filmy dramas. And Symbi needs me to be a drawer. Artsy fartsy. Whoop de doo, Mumbai it might just be! Coming back to the drama - It's worse when the script demands that first I K-reminisce and then do an about turn and screech "Magar aur nahi... main yeh zulm, yeh bojh, yeh nainsaafi bardaasht nahi kar sakti!". System overload ho jaata hai yaar. 

The general idea was to let it be known that killing off this blog is NOT the plan. I'm gonna get back to writing stuff and regularly. Sometimes there's so much to write about that I put it away for later... other times, there's "nothing to write about".

So I hope to hit up the New Post option sometime tomorrow and give you a well-deserved dose of my gyaan. Okay, so maybe you don't really deserve it.. but whoa, big deal.

The New Face Of Heroin

With great ideas, comes great procrastination. And with great worklessness, comes great desperation. (So I’m not Spiderman’s script writer, sue me!) But man, when all of these combine…

Naah, you deserve a complete sentence. So. When I’m the one full of ideas, procrastination, worklessness and desperation, what you get is an online advertisement for a job. And me being me (whatever that means), what I get, are responses.

This was around March end, just after the boards. It was mostly an experiment to get to know about the job scene for someone who is, for all intents and purposes, a prospective baarvi paas. The ad went precisely like this:

I just gave my HSC Science exams, and am looking for a job through the summer - April-June, to be precise. I'm open to trying out with almost any field. In case there's some sort of opening in a place you know of, do let me know! Thanks a ton.

The replies went precisely as… unexpected.

The first from Mr. Hotjapan went “You have a wonderful photo, congrats!!”. No kidding. Had him figured out for a weirdo. I mean, c’mon, even I wouldn’t have an email id that introduced me as hot japan, let along the ‘congratulations’ for a snap. More like lucky light effects with lucky genetic mixup. With my email id, I’m all mysterious yet straightforward – “i.me.maself” *groans*. What was I thinking..? Coming back to his mail, he then proceeded to give me some sefl-admittedly sound career advice - A truckload of entrance exams, an engineer in the making. Engineer. Definitely a weirdo, well-wishing and all.

One Rajnikanth asked me to mail “all my details”. Er, like what? Who to? Two others dropped by with concise one-liners – “u can mail ur resume”. My resume? To “u”? No friggin’ way.

There was a “dear miss,goodday.saw ur posting.i have a vacancy for telecaller.this is a security guards provider agency”. First person to tell me what job he was talking about. Considerate soul, to say the least.


The whole thing about how different people see things differently is so true. Some chap commented on the background, one got to the point and one provided tantric help. Seriously. He was offering ‘free astrological consultancy, complete problem solution, tantra and pooja so call now.’ For free! Heck, he even calls himself Dev.

Then there was one mail from a Prof who wrote about a NGO called Kanya Vikas, the name being self explanatory. It’s something I really want to do – get involved with NGOs, go out and do something. For a few hours, this experiment ceased to be one. Probed a little, turned out they have a 6 month probation period cum training program. The hours and location brought in a solid CET-related dilemma, so we braked right there. But I genuinely hope something along similar lines will work out for me, and soon. Part time, along with college, perhaps.


But wait, I still need to explain the post’s title. This is where it came from -

Hai,
This is satish kumar mv, from Hyderabad. I am going to plan out a telugu film. I am looking for new faces for heroin and character artists, this film is released in three main languages. If you have interest, hard work, dedications are your qualities. Then you can be part of my team. My profile -I got an international award in 2008 Gandhi panorama international film festival, and I am right now direction a feature film,
Please contact me with your full details, if you are interest to be a part of film
Satish kumar mv

I let go of a chance to become a Telugu actress! Wow... I could've become the new face of heroin, dammit...